|Just blendin in...|
Odd, but I feel like writing an entry today. I haven't written one since 2012, last I checked. Times have certainly changed since then. I'm sitting in the same apartment, sipping wine, having a muted cam girl dance in the background. I'm still at the same job, same car, no real prospects of any of those things changing. OK, so like 95% of shit hasn't changed. Actually, drinking on a Monday night is now very uncommon. I've said that "I will only drink on the weekends" and I've mostly stuck to it. It's made me a sharper person. It's also made sleeping at night a little harder with the thoughts of death and shit doing their usual "thing" to my mind and spirit. Waking up not hung over is pretty fucking nice. I'm drinking tonight because I'm in a funk. Also, I had a chocolate caramel thing that tastes the best with red wine. My body just hates booze now. My mind likes it, but my BODY. I'm just not the same person I was a few years back.
I've been doing the stand up comedy thing, at least and that's mostly taken care of the crushing loneliness and melancholy that orbit around me like satellites. For the most part, I've been fairly happy this last year. I'm finally doing it. I've literally had dreams where I'm doing comedy and I'm terrified and excited and it felt right, so fuck it. I've also had dreams where I'm playing a bad ass guitar solo and everybody loves me, but yeah, I'm not going to chase that one. All my finger skills go to playing Dark Souls 2 and trying to finger beautiful ladies, so sad, but no guitar solos.
I've been feeling mediocre on all fronts lately. That's part of the current depressed state.
My love life is basically shit. Courting ladies I care about is kinda easy. Trying to court a lady I actually like mostly feels like this:
Well most of the video feels accurate, except for the end. The lady never tells me she's down to kill a unicorn to trick me or anything. I always loved this scene the most from the movie Legend. Even Satan's got problems trying to mack on bitches...with sexy silk robe thing. Anyone saying the line "I value your thoughts, share them with me" always sounds full of shit. It's like being wooed by a customer service rep while on the phone with Comcast. I wonder if that shiny black apple tastes any good. I bet it tastes like Jagermeister.
I saw myself on video doing stand up comedy. It killed me to watch myself. Even when I'm getting laughs I'm watching everything I'm doing wrong and it drives me nuts. Maybe some things don't look bad in person and I do alright, but boy does video do a good job in letting you know about every little terrible thing you're doing. I'm still a terrible comedian. I like my jokes...conceptually, at least. My delivery system is the worst. Stupid body and mouth....ruining my life, once again...
Work is blegh. Sometimes I think I'm ok with doing my non creative mundane but relaxing job that I currently have. Work is easy when you're a dry husk. When the wind blows through dry bristles, it can be cool and refreshing. For the most part its nice. I go in and handle easy 3d tasks and leave at a reasonable hour. It sounds decent. Then I think about the idea of having a great job where I'm doing the cool paintings I'd love to do and then I feel like I'm wasting a big chunk of my life. There could be 20 potentially cool paintings done by me if I just focused on being a pro painter. I mean, there'd be another 40 terrible paintings, but there'd be 20 cool ones. I have no reference for the numbers I'm using either.
Overall I feel like the Brooklyn Brawler of life right now. If you don't know who the Brooklyn Brawler is, he's a WWE wrestler who had just enough going on to be given a costume, but he was still just a fall guy for the cool wrestler to take down. My video game development career could be considered a Brooklyn Brawler type. All those ported games. GoldenEye 2...I have the skills to be in the ring, but eh, we're gonna take a dive. Same could go for a lot of other things in my life. Art in general, stand up, dating, I'm in the ring, but I'm taking a fall. A positive person could say, "Hey, just being given the shot is gift enough, some people don't get that". FUCK YOU! At least make me, BAM BAM BIGELOW or something! Maybe I should get tattoes on my head. Really though, I should be the 1-2-3 Kid and force my way into the big leagues.
|Look at airbrushed filth on that shirt. I bet it's not even dirty. Get it together Brooklyn!|
|The 1-2-3 Kid kinda looks like Jon Heder of Napolean Dynomite. |
Of course I take the responsibility for where I am right now. I just want to pull myself out of the mud that I'm in. A lot of it's my own doing to, of course. Oh I wish I had more time for everything. I hate making vital decisions about shit..
Alright, I've emptied out the sadness bag enough. I think I'm good for a while. I should probably write an entry while I'm in a good mood.
Ok. I can't stop yawning. I hope I wrote everything I wanted tonight now eh, fuck it....goodnight journal.